Couples Counseling

Couples Counseling Was Not Supposed to Include “Us”

When you met the love of your life, you probably were seeking a positive and nurturing relationship. Someone who seemed to check off most of the boxes and made you feel so good just being next to them. You probably never imagined that you would have difficulties that piled up over time leaving you to question how you can feel:emotionally connected, loved and understood by your partner. You’ve heard other couples who had difficulty or had gotten divorced, but you never thought you would need couples counseling

Are you experiencing recurring arguments that always seem to come up in conversations? Feeling emotionally disconnected from your spouse and wish you both could just go back to the easier times? Or maybe you just want to leave and be done with hurting. Yet you can’t seem to let your relationship go because you know things were really good when you first met.

Managing Conflict is What Leads to Happier Relationships 

Do you think financial difficulties, communication issues, different perspectives of child-rearing or unresolved issues from the past are what is ruining your relationship? It really is not the conflicts that are causing a road block in experiencing a fully satisfying relationship. It is the way you resolve conflicts that can lead to feeling emotionally disconnected to your partner. Not feeling loved, understood, or seen in your relationship is what keeps the arguing going and ultimately the break down within a relationship.

If you don’t address things early on, anger festers.

When was the last time you found yourself wanting to do something special for your spouse? Or when did your spouse do something that made you feel “Passion, Love, Acceptance or Joy“? Are you seeing more couples that seem happier than you are? Do you feel like you are carrying a burden of pain and loneliness? Are you scared your spouse is thinking of divorce? Do you feel like your problems in your marriage are impossible to work through?

Are Things Tense With Your Spouse?

You may be trying to brush off the thought that something could be wrong. One day you may be thinking, “I can’t do this anymore.” Then the next day, you may be saying to yourself, “We’re fine. I don’t know what I was thinking.”

It gets busy and your questioning may fade temporarily. But you may notice that you and your partner are arguing more than you once did. You may go over and over the same ground about the same things, and it always ends the same way.

Couples Counseling near me

Or maybe a cold, distant silence is growing. You talk about the kid stuff, the house stuff, work, an upcoming vacation but not anything that leaves you feeling emotionally connected. Then you may spend the evenings in separate rooms in the house. Maybe one person has taken up residence on the couch, in the guest room, or in the basement for more than a night or two.

Possibility infidelity creeps in.

Our lives as couples and parents are busy. So busy, in fact, that we often have little time to actually invest in our relationships. Then there is a crisis. Or maybe you have a really bad fight with your spouse and things go to a place they never have before: never ending fighting or screaming. The unspoken cold silence that exists under the same roof grows more deafening as each day passes and you have never felt more lonely and hopeless in your marriage as you do today.

The catalyst that pushes you and your partner to seek therapy will be unique to you and your relationship. But regardless of how it happens, suddenly it is clear: “We need some help.”

The Honeymoon Ends for All Couples

You may be looking around you and thinking that everyone else seems to have a perfect marriage. Some couples certainly are as blissfully happy as they appear, at least some of the time. But plenty of other couples present to the outside world a very different image from the reality of their daily lives behind closed doors. On the outside as a couple you may look like the best loving, caring and very emotionally connected couple in the neighborhood. When you return home reality kicks in the real picture no one else sees except yourselves and possibly the kids. Fighting, deafening silence, emptiness, just existing and trying to get through the next day.

Marriage Therapy in East Setauket, NY 11733

The fact is that all couples go through difficult periods. Both partners grow and change over time as individuals and each partner must adapt. Parenthood is a developmental process that brings joy to some couples, but also increases conflict for many. Unanticipated caretaking responsibilities for aging extended family members can strain one partner and the stress easily spills over into the relationship.  The loss of a loved one may have you feeling like a completely different person, no longer carefree or present in your relationship.  Life experiences change us as a person, but how do you get your relationship back on track?

My Approach to Couples Counseling

Step One: Marital Assessment

In the beginning of couples counseling, we will work together to take a deeper look at the current status of your relationship, what you’ve tried in the past, what is working and what is not working. Then we will discuss some topics that both of you have been trying to avoid:  What is the overall condition? What are the major challenges right now? How are those challenges impacting your daily life and how you view your future together? How invested is each person in working on the challenges? What changes would each partner be willing to build a stronger relationship?

The amount of time we spend assessing the current status of the relationship will vary depending upon the condition of the marriage when you arrive at my office for counseling. By the end of this process, you and your partner will be equipped with an understanding of how both of you have been hurting and have beginner tools you both will take home to use to begin healing.

Counseling Couples for Relationship Problems 11733

Step Two: Counseling

My hope is that you and your partner will find hope in counseling to start step two, where we will begin the work in couples counseling. We will talk about how your emotions and responses are affecting your relationship. This will lead us through discussions about family patterns, the influence of friends and extended family members upon your relationship, and what you have tried in the past to manage conflict. If you have children together, including children from blended families, we will explore how any differences in your parenting styles are contributing to your sense of disconnection as a couple.

Move Out of Criticism, Defensiveness, Disgust and Stonewalling

During sessions, your communication styles and skills will be assessed to determine how you talk to one another and whether you are really listening to and hearing each other. You will be taught evidence-based techniques for hearing each other more clearly, such as The Gottman Method Couples Therapy.  We will practice, in sessions, taking breaks when needed, allowing each person an opportunity to speak and be heard, and breaking larger topics down into more smaller, more manageable pieces for discussion.

This technique helps move couples who are stuck in criticism, defensiveness, disgust and stonewalling. Here you will work on repair, building trust and reconnection. I have seen that it is possible for couples to successfully navigate through challenges, face them head on, and move forward together with a stronger relationship. One that is built on trust, fondness and admiration.

Still Have Questions About Couples Counseling?

We Already Know We Need Help. Why Do We Need to Take Time to Assess the Relationship?

By taking the time to step back and look at the current situation for what it is, I can help you to develop some perspective. From this more centered position, we can explore feelings, communication and patterns more productively.

couples therapy and marriage

How Long is This Going To Take?

Usually I schedule weekly appointments at the beginning phase of therapy, because most couples arrive at my office when their relationship is in crisis. As we continue our work together and the relationship improves, we may spread out the frequency of our meetings.


Take the Next Step

There are so many things that can steer a relationship off the road of bliss. The good news is that there are so many more things you both can do to find each other again and have a fully satisfying relationship. Let’s get you moving on to having a healthy and satisfying relationships with one another. 

In sessions, you will be provided with an objective stance and will learn how to develop healthy and satisfying relationships with your spouse.  Even if you feel as though it is impossible to ever repair your relationship, know that relationships improve as long as each person is dedicated to working on themselves and their interaction with each other.

Call now to schedule an appointment.

Contact Today

249 East Main Street Suite #3
East Setauket, NY 11733
(631) 406-3139

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